There’s a cancer attacking, handicapping, and killing people every day in our society. Unfortunately, it goes undetected for years and can metastasise and spread beyond the initial entry to every corner of a persons life. No, it is not a physical cancer, but an emotional and spiritual one that, if left unchecked, can remove your life from you, and leave you dead on your feet.
It can begin in two different ways, but fortunately for the person it can be cured with the oldest remedy and simplest known to man. The cancer is commonly known as BITTERNESS and the way it begins is often through guilt and the cure is through pure unadulterated forgiveness.
Let’s digress for a moment because though bitterness starts in many many ways the main one which we actually have control over but hinders us the most is caused from our own past mistakes and failures. Just like physical cancer, once the cell is in the body it spreads and its tentacles strangles every organ and cell in its path. The word bitterness comes from the Greek word which means to entangle and thats what bitterness does, it causes a rewiring of our emotions so they become so entangled we don’t really know where it begins and where it finishes!
None of us live without mistakes. Anyone who has ever achieved anything has a bucketful of failures to go along with the success. So why do we feel the need to cling so tightly to our mistakes that it keeps us from receiving anything new? Why do we hear over and over, ‘I cant try that, last time I did I failed,’ when we know the rationale is that we tried walking at 12 months old, failed, bruised our head but kept going?
One of the biggest reasons is the avoidance of further pain.
I used to live with such paralysing fear of failure that it kept me from attempting anything. I would try and miss school in case I failed the exam, I was terrified I would fail at the career I had chosen so I bailed out as I didn’t want to risk looking like a failure and certainly didn’t want someone to point it out to me.
I would then sit back and rehearse my failures and hold it against me thinking if I at least recognised them then someone else couldn’t use it against me. In other words ‘I will continue to hurt myself so others don’t have the opportunity to.’ I know so dysfunctional but the sad thing is, I’m not alone!
Patronising self-talk is the most common ailment I encounter in coaching, business owners, and entrepreneurs. Of all the energy and amazing ideas that come from this group of super stars, most of them never see the light of day because of guilt over past mistakes.
So how do we break the chains of guilt so as to eradicate the cancer of bitterness from our minds? The cure is easy. Forgiveness. We have to truly forgive ourselves of our past if we expect to ever move forward into the future that has been designed for us.
It is important to understand that forgiveness does not mean acting like nothing ever happened or turning away and pretending not to notice. Forgiveness means that we look directly at what happened, acknowledge its presence, and make a conscious decision to move on without it.
Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness or irresponsibility. It is the sign of true strength and authority.
We also need to recognise how bitterness clouds our thinking. Our tendency when looking at a past mistake is to judge ourselves by what we know now. “It was so stupid of me to make that decision!” That is totally unfair. With every decision we make, our wisdom grows. In fact, as soon as you make a decision you know more than you did when you made the decision. We stand in judgment of our past with all the knowledge of our present and cannot understand why we could make such a mistake. This is just more dysfunction.
Four Keys to Forgiving Ourselves
1. Be very specific about the mistake or failure in question. What actually happened and why was it a failure? If we are not specific, the issue is likely to resurface at another time.
2. Be fair to the younger “us” that made the mistake. The distance could be years or seconds, but the importance is still the same. Every decision is made with the best intentions and the results will not always follow. Learn the lessons of the mistake, but have compassion on the version of you that made the mistake. Protect that inner child. T Paul called the church ‘my little children,’ because though they were adults there was still a child within that needed protection and understanding. If you imagine yourself as a five year old would you berate that child the way you do yourself now as you are older? Of course not, therefore remember the child within and don’t abuse it.
3. Accept the result. No one is ever wants to or is excited about messing up; however, that does not change the consequences. Every decision and action has a result we have to acknowledge. The good news is, the result is seldom final and we can move on to change or improve the next round.
4. Grant yourself immunity. Instead of being scared that you will make another mistake, decide that it is likely you will and move forward anyway. Immunity is like forward forgiveness. “I’m going to do my absolute best, but there is always a chance I will make a mistake. If I do, I’ll learn from it and move on.”
Champions are not champions because they never fail but because they allow themselves to fail in the process of winning.
Immunity gives us a sense of boldness and adventure where bitterness leaves only fear. Do not mistake immunity for an opportunity to be reckless or insensitive, but as a way to allow us to move in the fullness of who we can be.
Some mistakes are easy to forgive and should be gone in an instant. Others may seem more difficult, but the same rules apply. Forgive yourself now. Otherwise you are compromising your life in untold ways and restricting the opportunity for success on any level.
You cannot embrace your present if your hands are full of your past.
Let forgiveness set you free.
Amanda
www.wellsministries.com.au
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